Sphere Magazine

Sphere Spotlight: How to be Politically Correct

December 19th, 2007

By Young McGreevey
Image by Gail Shumway

The scope of political correctness means different things to different people and spans a large number of contexts. It entails what is acceptable in the halls of government and even part of the rationale on which this country bases political decisions. Beyond that, it is a component of what dictates social norms and what is generally permissible with non-close friends and acquaintances on the streets as well as in the office. It is also highly influential in shaping pop culture. Therefore, this guide jumps between all of these areas. Keep these tidbits in mind and 7 times out of 10 you should be fine.

1.) Don’t bring up organized religion in polite company, except to say how it’s oppressing something, particularly yourself.

2.) When making a commercial or movie, cast as many racially ambiguous, EurAsianBlackLatinocentric people as possible, with wavy yet-not-too-curly hair and perfect teeth.

3.) If you enjoy the use of epithets and you are a minority, please use only the racial epithet that has been used on your race by others. White people must at all times restrict their epithet usage to “cracker” and, if this were the early ‘90s, “honky.”

4.) Do not hold 5 grams of crack or, by current drug policy, you’re going to jail.

5.) Do not hold 500 grams of cocaine or, by current drug policy, you’re going to jail.

6.) Hold 497 grams of coke and 3 grams of crack, however, and you’re golden.

7.) Champion the cause of a people you don’t actually know personally. For example, organize a convenience store change-box charity for illiterate orphan Dutch-Chinese immigrants, who have cholera. Or the clap.

8.) When proving yourself not to be narrow-minded, substitute the word “several” for the actual number of people that you know in any given subculture or minority community. Say, “I happen to know several members of the gay community,” instead of, “Two queers clean my pool every week.”

9.) Feel free to accuse anyone who criticizes or disagrees with Israel in any way of being anti-Semitic. Liberal P-Cers would be wise to avoid the topic of this area completely.

10.) While using the rest of this guide carefully to not be racist, do not feel free to call anything or anyone else racist. However, do pray for the acquittal or release of every rapper and NBA player currently caught up in the justice system. While you’re at it, the one in three black men in jail could probably use some appeals to God, too. On the basis of class, of course.

11.) Finally, never ever joke about September 11th…until 2024.

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