It may seem like a simple haven for conversation and Chardonnay, but don’t be fooled. A cocktail party is nothing but a classy circus. There are rings of fire to jump through and vicious lions to avoid. Here’s how to avoid playing the clown:

1. If you’re the only person of color in the room, be prepared to field the kinds of questions that you may not wish to answer. If you do choose to answer, however, stare at the person for a period of time. Don’t speak. Don’t smile. Stare long enough for him to feel uncomfortable. Eye contact is essential. If he starts talking in your silence, you know that you have succeeded in making him aware of the inappropriateness of his inquiry. Finally, respond. This tactic of alienation is also known as the Brechtian effect.

2. You can often avoid saying stupid things by getting a feel for a person’s politics or point of view on poignant issues before opening your own mouth. Beware. Make sure that you are not talking to a Mother Against Drunk Driving before you begin speaking about your inebriated high school shenanigans.

3. Avoid piling food on your plate lest you appear hoggish and pauperized. Just stand adjacent to the buffet so that you can revisit it many, many times.

4. If possible, stay at least one drink behind the person who is drinking the least in the room. Remember, nobody wants to be a story.

5. It is unfair to monopolize the attention of the host. Remember, the host is not a guest, and she has several responsibilities to tend to. Instead, bring a friend with whom you enjoy conversing. There is a chance that you won’t like several people in attendance.

6. If you are going to butt into somebody’s conversation, you must make sure that your joke is dynamite. Such situations require your best material.

7. Bring a jacket or sweater that can be worn indoors. This way, in the event that you spill honey mustard on your white button-up, you can conceal the stain with your cardigan. Do not walk around in your snorkel. That is unacceptable.

8. Cocktail parties are known for having foods that will grant your breath an unpleasant odor. After all, the root of the word “hummus” is “humm” as in “Your breath is hummin’.” Consume sparingly.

9. Do not infiltrate the host’s refrigerator in search of extra mixers. It’s tempting to peek in the fridge to see if there’s something there. Don’t.

10. If you are asked to bring a dish to the party, ice does not count. Neither do paper plates.

11. Do not offer to hook up your iPod to the stereo system to blast your own “Slow Jamz” playlist. If you have a certain musical request, ask your host.

12. Cell phones are a fairly new phenomenon. But just because they are tiny, that does not mean that you have to talk loudly into them for the party on the other end to hear you. Don’t speak over the den. Remove yourself from it.

13. If you are going to go to the bathroom, turn the fan or faucet on. A little bit of white noise goes a long way.

14. Have a favorite book title in mind in case of a conversation emergency. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t read it since the 10th grade. Claiming that you adore “The Great Gatsby” can save you from seeming illiterate.

15. Make sure you give a firm handshake. People with weak handshakes are remembered. Don’t become somebody’s “dead-fish handshake” story. If you encounter someone with a dead-fish handshake, sneer only on the inside.

16. When faced with introducing a person whose name you forgot to someone whose name you know: start with the name that you do know, and hope for the best.

Scenario 1: “Oh hey, Susan, we were just talking about you. (To person) This is Susan. Susan, this is….”

Or, take yourself out of the introduction equation altogether

Scenario 2: If person B walks up while you are talking to person A, embrace person B and begin talking to him. After 15 seconds, feign shame at your rudeness (“Wait, you two know each other, right?”). Then let them work it out.

BY ALBERT LAWRENCE & JON PITTS-WILEY

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This entry was posted on Friday, May 11th, 2007 at 5:14 am and is filed under Survive, Urbane. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.